The Big Noob

The time is now upon us. SXSW is in full swing and we are not there. Oh, my dearest noobs, do not be weary. There is no need to weep. For this week we are going to have a little un-Texas fun of our own.

Have you heard the news? There's another convention coming to town! It's free to attend and is packed full of noobs from across the globe. Rumors are even swelling about some gosh darn swell prizes. This gathering is aptly named 'Noob by Big Noob' (NxBN) and it is the premier conference for noobs everywhere. Big, small, tiny, tall; we're all here. Your mission, if you choose to accept it, is to help me prepare for the conference. I have panels to book, promotions to run and bags of goodies to stuff. So, let's get started!

THE RULES. This is how you play.

1. Grab any device that'll record video: Digital camera, video camera, phone, iSight, etc.**
2. Pick one of the following NxBN categories and complete it. Have fun. Don't cast your cousin. You know he's not that funny, anyway. Be yourself and use any humor you have to spare. If you haven't got any, Google it. Google has all the answers. Don't take yourself too seriously. God knows we don't. Maybe even poke some fun at SXSW. They are a NxBN competitor after all.
3. You will have ONE week to complete your submission. SXSW wraps up this next weekend and so will this little competition. Your deadline for submissions will end on Monday, March 17th at 12PM EST. As the deadline nears, I'll post the details on how to submit your entries.
4. My board of noob executives and I will then gather your submissions and start the judging. We'll pick a first and second place winner.

THE CATEGORIES. Take your pick.

Welcome to NxBN
You have been given the position of Marketing Director for NxBN 2008, and must produce a 30 second commercial (radio or television) to promote the event. Remember, we're looking to attract noobs from across the globe. It's your job to get them to attend.

How Not To Approach an Internet Celebrity
Many of us have tried it. From across the room you spot that internet celeb. Maybe she's a hot video blogger. Maybe it's the guy that wrote that boring book about fonts. Some are friendly, others are douchebags not so talkative. Either way, there is a proper way to (and NOT to) say hello. Your NxBN presentation will need to include 3 examples of how NOT to kick off the conversation.

How To Pick Up A Noob
You are giving a NxBN presentation to promote 'interaction' between the conferences attendees. We're noobs. Let's face it. For some of us, talking to the opposite sex just doesn't come easy. Your presentation should include 10 original pickup lines to help your fellow NxBN'ers score their perfect noob. Keep 'em noobish and somewhat clean.

The Schwag Bag
Your job at NxBN is to research 10 items to fill the gift bags that each attendee will receive. It's a conference full of Noobs, so what would you pick and WHY? Note: A PlayStation 3 and/or MacBook Air are not good choices. We've got a (fake) budget here, peoples!

While not at SXSW
If the previous four options didn't seem to peak your interest, then this is the one for you. It's simple. What did you do while not at SXSW? What did you do with all the cash that didn't go to airfare, badges and hotels? Have fun with this. Be creative. Video entries are preferred in this category, but photos are eligible too.

THE PRIZES. What you are trying to win.

When I first had the idea for this little project, I had no clue I would find so many awesome people willing to donate such great stuff for the betterment of noobkind. Taste the rainbow!

1. The new 2GB iPod Shuffle in the color of your choice. Mmm, Apples.
2. One year of FREE Grid-Service hosting from (mt) Media Temple. Only the best for the noobs!
3. The freaking awesome Monsterpod (viscoelastic polymer-based tripod) from Photojojo.
4. Two (2) t-shirts of your choice from Cottyn.
5. The infamous "I'm a noob" t-shirt from us little 'ole noobs.
6. Currently procuring the final few items. Will update this when I get 'em.

Welcome to NxBN, everyone. Now, ready. Set. Go!!!

The Fine print (that despite being the same size as the rest is still considered the fine print):
a) While the judges and I would prefer all entries in the form of video, we know that not everyone has the means to do so. In that case, surprise us. Use whatever creative way you deem necessary to deliver your entry.
b) You only need complete one of the categories above. However, if you are dying to submit more, go for it!
c) Along with everyone's permission, I'd like to post some of the submissions after judging is complete. I can't keep all the fun to myself, can I? When you submit your entry, you will have the option to choose if you want to keep it private between just you and our judges.
d) As for all you SXSW'ers in Texas, if you have the time (which I doubt you will) and want to play, you CAN! Just know that you aren't eligible to win any prizes. Sorry.