I don't use much profanity. Frankly, I find it rude some of the time and silly the rest of the time. That being said, something I find even more comical is the censoring of profanity in movies on major network television stations like TBS, USA, etc. Not so much the act of censoring, but the process by which they do the censoring. What group of cunning linguists ceremoniously gathers with the responsibility, nay, the privilege of choosing which words get axed and with which to substitute them?
Is it the director? Maybe the screenwriter? Or perhaps the broadcast managers at the airing station? Whom? When do they pull the switcharoo? After the station gets the ok to air the film? This whole process fascinates me.
The Die Hard franchise must be a never-ending source of literary inspiration. Maybe it's the stoic facade of Bruce Willis or his preternatural ability to defy death, no matter how bleak the outlook, how perilous the obstacles. This series has produced two of the most memorable Substitute Profanity Terms (SPTs) of all time, both of which happen to be pseudonyms of the "Maternal F Bomb", if you will.
MISTER FALCON
Without further ado, the first great SPT comes from the first Die Hard. At the end, Willis valiantly battles a terrorist on the wing of a plane as it taxis down the runway for takeoff. The terrorist knocks Brucey off the plane, only to realize that during their duel, he has somehow managed to cause a steady stream of jet fuel to spill on the runway. The terrorist thinks he's won as Bruce gathers himself, cooly pops open his Zippo and quotes the memorable line "Yippee kai yay, Mister Falcon." He lights his smoke, drops it on the gas trail and kaboom. (NOTE: terrorist's last name is not Falcon)
MELON FARMER
Die Hard with a Vengeance trumps Mister Falcon in the SPT department. Enter Samuel L. Jackson. Not many men on this earth curse better than Sammy, and apparently, he's just as good with substitutions. He plays a bitter black man who finds nearly everything and everyone to be racist. In a tense moment, Samuel calls Bruce a "racist Melon Farmer". Yes, you read that correctly... he who farms the melons KKK-style. Bruce Willis strikes me as many things, least of which would be a planter and harvester of melons. I don't know. I've been wrong before.
So... sorry for the long post. I doubled over this last weekend while watching DH III on tv and hearing that melon farmer bit. (It's in the scene near the beginning of the movie where they are getting water into jars at a fountain) Look for it next time it's on the tube.
Oh yah. And it's my birthday today.
